In what, to date, has been an issueless and unenthusiastic race for Governor of New Jersey, incumbent Governor Jon Corzine, (D) has shaken things up in dramatic ways. Just days before state ballots are
prepared for printing, the Governor has gone to court to have his name legally changed.
After a summer of trailing his Republican opponent Chris Christie by double digits, efforts to make the unpopular Governor somewhat more likeable, forced the Corzine campaign to closely associate him to the still popular image of President Barack Obama. The move has worked and the gap has been closed. But with Christie still 3 percentage points ahead of the Governor, Jon Corzine decided that he needed to do more than just compare himself to the President of the United States. Hoping to take the lead over Christie, Governor Corzine took his case to court where he filed papers to change his name to Jonnie Obama.
A spokesman for the Governor called the move “an act of necessity”. Campaign spokesman Jack Kennedy (formerly known as Adolf Mitler) explained “we just have not been able to move our numbers lately and with nothing else for us to add to how we intend to improve the quality of life in New Jersey, Governor Corzine felt that the people of the state would appreciate having a Governor named after our President”.
In a statement released by now Governor Obama the newly named candidate for reelection focused on what he called his “willingness to go to great lengths to win”. He further stated “if sacrificing some of my personal fortune accumulated by a lucrative Wall Street golden parachute is not enough to get votes, than I am willing to sacrifice my identity and my name for the sake of New Jersey”
Prior to this extreme move, then Governor Corzine, had sought medical advice regarding the best way to change his complexion. In a process opposite to Michael Jackson’s skin bleaching, the Governor wanted to darken his skin with a political procedure called Obamanizing. In the end strategists decided against the procedure due to fears that a dark skinned Corzine might come across too minstrel show-like and too politically incorrect.
Democrat Lt. Gov. Nominee Loretta Weinberg
Democrat pollster B.J. Clinton, (formerly known as Ernest Madoff) pointed out that the name change has already had a positive impact on Governor Obama’s once static numbers. Analysts from the Jim McGreevy School of Political Ethics believe that the Governor’s name change was a wise move. The schools executive director Patty Pantsdown (aka: Lou Morella) called the name change a stroke of political genius. According to Pantsdown “Oh honey, now after months of trying to associate himself with President Obama in an attempt to deflect the focus off of the Governor’s higher taxes, tolls, unemployment and lower state revenues and job opportunities, changing his name to Jonnie Obama does a number of things. First of all it adds a little spice to an otherwise drab name. Secondly, right away, it brings the voters minds to exactly what the Governor needs to put the focus on, which is anything but the condition that the state is in right now and last but not least, it adds more meaning to the phrase ‘my brutha’ which is how the Governor ends all of his speeches when referring to the President”.
Estelle Getty as fiesty Golden Girl Sophia Petrillo
Kitty Litteur, a spokesman for Governor Obama’s lieutenant governor running mate , Loretta Weinberg, notified members of the press that Senator Weinberg is also going to seek a name change. The state senator who describes herself as a “feisty Jewish grandmother” is exploring the possibility of changing her name to Sophia Petrillo, the name popularized in the role played by Estelle Getty on the hit 80’s sitcom Golden Girls. According to Litteur, “we have the Jewish grandmother vote in the bag, now we’re going after the Soprano vote and Italian grandmothers”.
Meanwhile the campaign of Chris Christie released a statement of their own which made clear that as usual, they would “not go into detail”. They do however claim that the Republican nominee for Governor anticipated this from the beginning. Chris Christie denied that he would try to change his name before the November ballots were printed. “I do not intend to seek a name change that distracts from any of the distractions that I have been working hard to create during the course of this campaign” said the Republican hopeful.
Representatives for his lieutenant governor nominee, Kim Guadagno, confirmed that she too will not have her name changed. Press Secretary Barnaby Jones claimed that no one knows who Kim is or that she is running for anything so we would rather not have to explain who she is, what she is running for and her name change all at the same time.
The Christie camp is dealing with it’s own troubles and does not want to play the name game. The Republican ticket is finding it hard to keep pace with all the spending that Governor Obama has invested in the race. So avoiding the $39.95 legal fee for a legal name change in New Jersey is seen as a cost saving measure. However, the lack of finances in the closing days of the campaign still concerns Christie.
For a quick infusion of cash, the Christie campaign has signed on to two new contracts. One has Chris Christie contracted to be in the cast of next seasons, “Biggest Loser” which is a show that has teams of overweight celebritiy has-beens, compete against one another to see which team can lose the most weight. The other contract is for a string of 15 new ads that will feature Chris Christie along side of Jenny Craig spokeswoman Valerie Bertinelli. Mr. Christie will be used for the “before” pictures used in comparing the dramatic results seen after one has used a new Jenny Craig diet program that is designed for men.
Gubernatorial Cnadidiate and Wannabe Chris Christie
The unorthodox campaign tactics being seen in the race for Governor of New Jersey has many scratching their heads. Shaquida Nelson of Newark said “I thought Jon Corzine was that white boy who hits that doohickey on ice for the New Jersey Devils, I never knew he was a brutha”. Denis O’Shea of Matawan wanted to know why Valerie Bertinelli still has not gotten back together with Eddie Van Halen.
Political analysts claim that the disinterest in the campaign is to be expected when the top two major candidates have upside down poll numbers that indicate more people have unfavorable opinions of them than favorable opinions of them. They add that the lack of any public awareness in the campaign is in large part due to the fact that neither Corzine or Christie have said anything of value during the campaign. That and the state’s unique North-South divide and its disjointed news coverage that relies on New York and Philadelphia, helps to keep New Jersey voters uniquely uniformed.
As for their assessment of Governor Obama’s name change one Quinnipiac pollster who wanted to remain anonymous believes that the biggest difference the name change will make is in the area of billboards. According to him, Governor Obama invested a lot of money in billboards that connect him as close as possible to the President and now the Governor will have to invest some money in having those billboards changed from reading Obama/Corzine to now read Obama/Obama.
Corzine Campaign Billboards Before The Name Change
- How the new Governor Obama campaign billboards will appear