White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that the President has cancelled his Thursday morning golf game in Martha’s Vineyard to present to the people a new stimulus package that will create jobs and prevent future quakes from occurring along the Eastern seaboard.
The $938 billion package will finance a major excavation project designed to replace the old and worn tectonic plates which were responsible for causing Tuesday’s shifting of the earth. According to Carney;
“The President has been consistently fighting for much needed and long overdue infrastructure maintenance and construction. In the wake of the widely felt East Coast earthquake, it is clear to everyone that the President is correct. Our U.S. tectonic plates have not undergone any major repairs at anytime in history. It is long overdue”
Carney made it clear that the President will take his case to the people and demonstrate that not only will this new spending create hundreds of thousands of much-needed new jobs, but is also an investment that saves lives. The White House believes that if any President can stabilize the earth it is President Obama.
The President’s proposal calls for Vice President Joe Biden to head up the new project whic is being called Operaton Solid Ground. The White House is also reaching out to former Congressman Anthony Weiner and requesting that he head up a special project division which will be responsible for monitoring the project and providing progress reports to Congress with the help of photographic evidence.
Another member of the Operation Solid Ground oversight committee will be former Vice President Al Gore. Gore will be in charge of the projects Geothermal Restructuring division. This division will attempt to combat global warming by lining the tectonic plates with a complex maze of cooling systems that will regulate the earth’s core temperature.
Jay Carney pointed out that the President was of the opinion that while we’re down there, we mine as well take advantage of the opportunity to combat global warming too .
When made aware of the new Obama initiative, Speaker of the House John Boehner became unavailable for comment as his jaw dropped and he became speechless.
In her own response, Democratic National Committee Chair, Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz announced that she is proud of the President’s bold leadership which kills two birds with one stone by not only pumping more money into our economy and creating jobs, but by also finally fixing the earth. According to Wasserman-Schultz;
“Not since Moses split the Red Sea has a leader undertaken such a massive and lofty initiative. Thanks to him, our nation and the world will be a much better place for the effort”
In a related story, upon hearing the news of the new stimulus initiative, the credit rating agencies Moody’s and Fitch joined with Standards & Poors’ in their recent decision to downgrade the U.S. credit rating. All three of the major credit rating services downgraded the U.S. to an NH-. This is a newly created rating that stands for “No Hope”. Treasury Secretary Gietner responded to the move optimistically and said that he believes we will be upgraded to an NH+ in no time at all.